Anti-Humour
Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.
*
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
*
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
*
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
*
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
*
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
*
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest
*
A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.
"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!"
They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for the Titanic!"
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."
*
Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
*
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.
*
Johnny enters a bar and asks, "Do you know what time it is?"
Barkeeper: Yes.
Johnny: So do I.
*
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken lacks any reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chicken's action was spurred by any particular motivation.
*
Person 1: Who's on first?
Person 3: The first baseman?
Person 1: Who's on second?
Person 3: The Second baseman
*
3 blind mice go into a pub, but they can't see anything, so they walk straight into a table leg and die.
*
Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: OK
*
A German man, an Italian women and a Schnauser walk into a proctologist office. They all walk out at different times later in the day.
*
A man goes to the doctors and says "doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains" and the doctor replies "well I'm afraid that is irrelevent now, you have approximately 24 hours to live."
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:38 AM
It's great to be here. I just flew in today and boy are my arms pretty much the same as they were before I flew here.
D_UNITMay 2 2005, 10:41 AM
What is red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:41 AM
Did you hear the one about the parachuting nun?
She jumps out of planes and with the aid of a large piece of specifically shaped fabric lands safely on the ground.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:42 AM
Q. Why is a baboons butt red?
A. Red pigmented butt skin.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:48 AM
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because clowns and cannibals are rarely in close proximity and therefore do no come in contact with one another.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:50 AM
Q. What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile?
A. An alligator and a crocodile in an "X" shape.
D_UNITMay 2 2005, 10:50 AM
Q: What is purple and, when thrown against the wall, causes the neighbor's phone to ring?
A: Coincidence.
D_UNITMay 2 2005, 10:52 AM
A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Fosters, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:55 AM
Q. If I had a 2 foot tall rooster and you had a donkey but your donkey ate my rooster what would you have?
A. An omnivorous donkey.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.
*
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
*
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
*
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
*
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
*
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
*
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest
*
A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.
"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"
"Oh!"
They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.
"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for the Titanic!"
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."
*
Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
*
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.
*
Johnny enters a bar and asks, "Do you know what time it is?"
Barkeeper: Yes.
Johnny: So do I.
*
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken lacks any reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chicken's action was spurred by any particular motivation.
*
Person 1: Who's on first?
Person 3: The first baseman?
Person 1: Who's on second?
Person 3: The Second baseman
*
3 blind mice go into a pub, but they can't see anything, so they walk straight into a table leg and die.
*
Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: OK
*
A German man, an Italian women and a Schnauser walk into a proctologist office. They all walk out at different times later in the day.
*
A man goes to the doctors and says "doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains" and the doctor replies "well I'm afraid that is irrelevent now, you have approximately 24 hours to live."
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:38 AM
It's great to be here. I just flew in today and boy are my arms pretty much the same as they were before I flew here.
D_UNITMay 2 2005, 10:41 AM
What is red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:41 AM
Did you hear the one about the parachuting nun?
She jumps out of planes and with the aid of a large piece of specifically shaped fabric lands safely on the ground.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:42 AM
Q. Why is a baboons butt red?
A. Red pigmented butt skin.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:48 AM
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because clowns and cannibals are rarely in close proximity and therefore do no come in contact with one another.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:50 AM
Q. What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile?
A. An alligator and a crocodile in an "X" shape.
D_UNITMay 2 2005, 10:50 AM
Q: What is purple and, when thrown against the wall, causes the neighbor's phone to ring?
A: Coincidence.
D_UNITMay 2 2005, 10:52 AM
A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Fosters, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
BearFanInPackerLandMay 2 2005, 10:55 AM
Q. If I had a 2 foot tall rooster and you had a donkey but your donkey ate my rooster what would you have?
A. An omnivorous donkey.
